a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize