oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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