Banned from zoo.
Again?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
