So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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