she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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