We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
