rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
