Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize