Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
