wake up i wanna do it froggy style
no, he came in my armpit
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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