the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
