if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
