Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
