I could make wine with my vomit
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize