now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize