Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
