the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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