i just sent this text using only my big toe
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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