a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
