atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
