it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
