Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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