i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
