This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
