you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize