I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
