i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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