Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
