God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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