my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
