You just made me feel so damn special
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
