Are we in a gay sports bar?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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