I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
