benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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