you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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