mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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