I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
