Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
