she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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