i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
