Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
