just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
