so let's talk penis.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
wow bdsm is so cute
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
