you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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