he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize