i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
