Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
