highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
