Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
