one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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