I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize