omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
