the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
