I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh god it's open bar.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
