Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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