I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
