I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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