Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
