Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
