Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
