hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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