Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
