Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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