CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
