I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
