I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
