The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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