i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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